A letter to myself ~ a poem

Please forgive me for not calling you back, talking to you. I shut you out from everyone else, that’s why you couldn’t connect to them in the first place or the world for that matter. For years, four years.

Instead I was loving them instead of loving you, it really played an importance. It was the most important thing In my entire life, to fall for you instead of falling for the alcohol, falling into the tranquil fakeness that people can possess. Even still, I loved their lack of empathy. I adored their way of not caring, I believed I didn’t have to care either and that it would just go away. It just ran into me with full force even more. I thought that’s how the world was suppose to be met. I was the bow, and the arrow penetrating my heart. I was the selfishness that crawled into there. My brain was seeking a home, my heart was screaming for a bed and blanket, that is all..

I kept avoiding you, so I wouldn’t have to deal with you, you where the hardest to face. A face, facing itself. I must admit it was too fucking heavy to carry. I used to make love to the love.

I choked on the pills I tried to swallow, just like when you get halfway through your favorite song, or when you finish the last line of your favorite book. You think to yourself, this is it. This is the last time I’ll feel this version of this, I don’t want it to end and so I’ll just keep replaying it, turning back to the first page, taking another pill. That’s what memories feel like, they leave a taste that seduces you into believing the past matters that bad, that you have to keep holding on to it, as though you won’t have that same beautiful feeling again.

I scream and say “i’ve eaten all the emotions of the world, what is there left for me to feel but the void?”

And so, forgive me for changing because the damn sun doesn’t wait for you to rise,

I must get on up out of bed and grab the brush to paint the day.

~ © Moonlightladybug

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